Longtime readers of this blog will know that I have something for an eye for a bargain, an undeniably handy skill in a credit crunch. Take, for instance, this simple and fetchingly plimsoll-like pair of shoes, which my delightful friend Wily Catkins is hand-modelling here:
Once, they were a whopping £70 - now, they're reduced to a mere £85!
And if that isn't enough of a bargain for you, I've found you a special deal on face mask sachets at Superdrug - 97p for one, but if you buy two, you only have to pay £3.99!
Truly, I am the new Robert Peston.
In other news, I have written a new Guardian piece on lying (and that's no lie):
However, I am considering giving up writing to become an expert on hot deals. Next week, I hope to bring you a brassiere slashed from £18 to £37. Now, that's what I call a bragain!
The weekend before last, I had to get up at 5am to sit on my leg and flap my arms around like an over-enthusiastic green bird. Well, I didn't have to, but for some reason this is what I ended up doing, while talking about my favourite sitcom. But I didn't realise this at the time, because I had adrenaline coursing through me.
That's because live telly is scary. I don't look nervous, but I was terrified. My brain kept saying, "Imagine how bad it would be if you did a huge burp. It will be replayed, and millions of people will watch the burp on YouTube. You will be forever known as Burp Girl, and for the rest of your life, when people meet you, they'll say, 'Oh, aren't you that girl who did that huge burp?!'"
Worse, you could accidentally swear, or say something hugely offensive, or start choking or coughing, or spontaneously be sick. I know this is very unlikely - in fact, I know these things aren't going to happen - but that doesn't stop me worrying about them. It's probably not very professional, but I wrote reassuring words between my fingers, like "stay calm" and "relax" and "breathe". (I didn't look at these words once, but it vaguely helped to know that they were there.)
After watching the clip, I also wrote a helpful checklist of Things To Remember While On TV:
(1) Do not slurp your water on-screen after each question like a thirsty buffalo (2) Do not gesticulate like an agitated monkey pushing away an invisible banana (3) Do not sit on your leg, unaware that everyone can see you sitting on your leg. If you must sit on something, make it your hands.
I think the more often you do something scary - whatever it is - the less scary it becomes, just because you realise you can do it (not particularly well, maybe, but you can) and that the thing you were most scared of probably hasn't happened. (Unless it has, in which case you're buggered.)
By the way, Toby and Charlie were ace, and the female presenter (Louise Minchin) is possibly the nicest person in the world (and that includes Nelson Mandela and the woman who called the paramedics after I was hit by a motorbike).
[This post isn't letting you leave comments, because it is evil - to leave one, please click on the post heading. Thank you.]
I can't stop making puns. The affliction started when I wrote for Countdown for two years, and only got worse from there. It wasn't my fault - first I had to come up with a set of "alternative dictionary definitions":
affable: fifty per cent of a male cow bigotry: the larger of two sturdy plants category: your moggy after it's been in a fight definite: the more hard-of-hearing of a pair of headlice
Rendering myself truly punfit to be called a writer.
I'd like to change, I really would. I'd like to write poems instead (though some would say they're verse) but I don't have the rhyme. Still, to prove that I can produce punfree pieces, here's one I wrote a long time ago for Richard Whiteley:
I'm sorry to say that your ties Do terrible things to my eyes It's the colours I think With the purple and pink Of the set - on the whole, most unwise
Overall Dick you dress like a pro With a sharp dapper suit for each show But those things round your neck Make me think "Flipping heck! "Why did someone not say to him 'no'?!"
So: I can do without them, but it's not quite as pun. But does wordplay leave you pungry like the wolf, or do you think writers should be punished for resorting to it? I'd really like your opunion...
Ben: What do you need to be a good writer, aside from talent, luck, and a good idea or three?
Persistence. At the beginning, you'll get knocked back more than Mike Tyson's latest opponent, and you've just got to pick yourself up, shrug it off and keep at it. It's not always easy - as writing's such a personal thing, criticism of it often feels as though you're being told you're a rubbish person - but you're not, and the sooner you can get over that (ideally sooner than I did), the sooner you'll progress.
Bubalus: How about an article on cooking with pasta?
Make friends with a man called Al Dente. If your pasta's either crunchy or pureed, you might want to plough valiantly through it, but other people are going to be spitting it surreptitiously into tissues. Once you've got the texture right, pepper, olive oil and basil aren't to be forgotten (unless you don't like them, or have a memory like a sieve - in which case, you can use it to strain the pasta).
Stuart: Should someone put a lot of effort into meeting 'the one'? Or should they just wait for it to happen?
Most people and songs say the latter ("You can't hurry love"/"Love comes quickly") but those advisors and songwriters are probably already romantically ensconced. As anyone who's been single a while knows, if you don't try, you fail - that applies to love as much as anything. They're not particularly romantic, and I'm not on any, but online dating sites at least allow you to meet other single people, which has to be a start.
Willd: Explain how an economy works (or doesn't).
I think you may have me confused with Robert Fisk. Easily done, so I'll forgive you.
Jack: How about a "What the papers say" review/round-up type thing?
TheGuero: you stated in your comments earlier that 85% of your readers are men. Interesting. Is this a reflection of your real world as well? Why or why not?
It is - firstly, because I am a man. But also, I think Derek's explanation is correct - many of the readers of this blog came here initially because of the campaign, and the majority of atheists are men (I'm not sure why).
Apologies for not writing about books, giant toasters, food labels, investigative journalism or nose plugs. Maybe one day I'll write a novel about a combination of the above.
Thanks for all your suggestions for things to write about. Taking them in order, Ben asked:
I think I'd like to know more about writing for TV/newspapers... what the process is like.
TV and newspapers are hugely different. To start with, TV is sloooowww. If I commissioned you now to write a half-hour episode of a sitcom (which is not going to happen, as I have no commissioning powers whatsoever, but try to suspend your disbelief), it probably wouldn't air on TV for at least a year. During that year, you'd be asked to do several rewrites of the script (I think the average number of drafts is four) and go to lots of script meetings where you may or may not have to try not to fall asleep in a plate of biscuits.
Over this year, it's normal for your script to change quite a lot. Sometimes the overall storyline of the show will change, or the show will go over budget and you'll have to take out a scene, or a character will have to be written out or in (I once had to swap a mechanic for a stalker). If it's a sitcom, you'll go on set to watch the filming in case any changes need to be made, but if it's a kids' show you generally won't (I think this is because there are restrictions on the number of hours child actors can work, so they don't have time to alter lines). Filming can also be slow, with a lot of waiting around - there's a saying that every minute of television takes an hour to film.
Newspapers are the opposite, timewise - they have a giddily fast turn-around, often the same day. I enjoy this far more, as it's exciting, you get to cover many more subjects and you never have time to get bored with any one topic or angle. There's rarely time to do more than one draft of a piece, and there's also a lot more leeway re. the way you can write and the things you can write about. As a jobbing TV writer, you're constrained by the voices of the characters, restricted to dialogue, and often provided with a plot which you can't diverge from, whereas writing topical comment for papers gives you the sort of creative freedom I only dreamed about when I was working in TV. I'm lucky to have done both, but am much happier writing for newspapers.
I hope that was vaguely interesting, and that you haven't fallen asleep in a plate of biscuits.
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