I can't stop making puns. The affliction started when I wrote for Countdown for two years, and only got worse from there. It wasn't my fault - first I had to come up with a set of "alternative dictionary definitions":
affable: fifty per cent of a male cow
bigotry: the larger of two sturdy plants
category: your moggy after it's been in a fight
definite: the more hard-of-hearing of a pair of headlice
And now I've descended to this kind of level:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cif-green/2009/apr/28/do-fish-feel-pain
Rendering myself truly punfit to be called a writer.
I'd like to change, I really would. I'd like to write poems instead (though some would say they're verse) but I don't have the rhyme. Still, to prove that I can produce punfree pieces, here's one I wrote a long time ago for Richard Whiteley:
I'm sorry to say that your ties
Do terrible things to my eyes
It's the colours I think
With the purple and pink
Of the set - on the whole, most unwise
Overall Dick you dress like a pro
With a sharp dapper suit for each show
But those things round your neck
Make me think "Flipping heck!
"Why did someone not say to him 'no'?!"
So: I can do without them, but it's not quite as pun. But does wordplay leave you pungry like the wolf, or do you think writers should be punished for resorting to it? I'd really like your opunion...
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55 comments:
If you were a little older, you could have joined Big Pun.
A Twitterer recently said they had no fear of a pandemic. It was a pundemic they feared.
Sorry but I must add my very humour-lacking response: puns truly are the lowest form of wit, because they're really just jokes about two things that sound similar.
A pun that could work would be one that really operated on multiple levels (i.e. the meaning of the pun word worked as well as the word it was replacing, if you catch my drift). As it is, I can't think of a good example. Sorry.
At least you can always fall back on a career as a pundit.
(Presumably this involves ambushing unsuspecting travellers, and torturing them with wordplay until they give up all their valuables.)
(If you did this online, would you be an information superhighwaywoman?)
I'm quite a fan of puns in general, and although yours are masterfully done, you do seem to be using them in punhealthy doses lately.
I am a big fan of puns, in fact it is unquestionably the only reason I went into journalism. I once got the honour of writing a short piece about puns for the Guardian,
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2008/may/15/gluttonsforpunishment
Feel a bit like I've plundered your blog by posting that.
Audi A4 - What a German says when he drops a ream of paper on his foot.
Abundance - A waltz for cakes.
decimate - insult a friend
bidet - two days before D day
and so on...
Someone said that Ariane Sherine is having a punicious effect on the English language. I said that as long as she gets her punctuation right, I'm not worried.
Puns make me wince in physical pain o.0
I like 'definite'.
This pundit thinks you're good at both. Probably best not over do them though, methinks.
If a pun is used periodically, does it become a tampun?
We're in the middle of the aporkalypse and all you can think about it puns?
Girl, you are out of puntrol...
I like puns, but they do seem to have grown exponentially in the media recently. As with any device it's best used in moderation.
Having said that I still join in.
As a rule I hate puns. But yours are very charming. Plus you can always have a back-up career writing cracker jokes...
ha ha I am funny xxx
One nation under cod. In cod we trust!
Sincerely, AA (Anonymous Americans)
@slurper: If I were a boy, I could have joined Pun Boy Three.
@Nathan: The swine. He's supposed to be scared of the epigdemic and the hamdemic.
@Tom: Do you mean that if my friend Malcolm always took cocaine in the bath, I could refer to his supply as Malcolm Powder?
@Andrew: I could do it after shaving my legs. Then I'd be a smooth criminal.
@Cubik's Rube: You're right - I wouldn't want to get punwell.
@DanW: Great article and puns - thanks. As one-liner merchants go, I love Gary Delaney ("Wrote a book on pigeons once. Paper would have been easier").
@Margaret: Who said that? I want to punch him!
@Dana: I'll ease off on them for the next post, promise.
@Anonymous: But are you sure?
@Anikretep: Will try not to.
@SimonBishop: I can't believe you said that. Bloody hell!
@Heresiarch: I don't think we're in pig trouble yet. But would you prefer me to tell porkies?
@Javier: It's better than being out of petrol.
@Bubalus: I've seen you join in at an alaning rate.
@Catie: If I wrote cracker jokes, do you think I'd be more likely to pull?
@Anonymous: Or, as sprats might say, "In Cod We're Trussed".
I have to say I just roar at your pieces of cleverness. I think humour greatly consists of referring to notions outside of the obvious cognitive framework. And the thing with language is that you can fool around with its ambiguous properties all that you like.
What I'm trying to figure out myself is this: why does a writer who writes witty texts, write witty texts? "Because it's funny" doesn't suffice, because it immediately begs the questions: "What is 'funny' and why is it needed?" By any chance, would this be the actual question you're trying to get the answer to? In any case, being a psycho and philo, this question interests me.
I like puns as a type of humour, provided they're "witty". They are a form of sharp little puzzles. And when the reader is able to figure it out in a split second, it brings him or her a feeling of joyful reward, which can be addictive to the reader as well as to the writer, perhaps imagining in advance the reader's effort to figure it out.
The challenge is probably that puns have to have a certain degree of complexity to prevent anyone from attributing lameness to them or, when they're too complex, aversion, since the reader now feels he or she misses the boat.
By the way, "I write things. Words, mainly" is perhaps not a pun in a strict sense of the word, but it's formidable wordplay nonetheless. I say, keep on going. And do write more poems as well.
If you remove puns from your writing, will they be expunged forever?
I think I am going to rename my species "punkeys".
So, basically, you're a pundamentalist?
.. and I think it was Barry Cryer who defined 'definite' as 'hard of hearing, don't you agree?'
.. and should add I'm envious of your apundant punstoppability. Please keep doing it.
Well, I'm not sure I have much to say one way or the other on puns but your writing always makes me smile. It brightens my day. So there you go.
You are very punny!
I can only speak for myself, but I think you have a point (sprats:) But I have a short-term memory like a goldfish. My point about cod is...My point is...Doh! I forgot.
Pun or not, I always enjoy your writing. Keep it up!
AA
I am definitely batting for the 'I hate puns' team. I have tried very hard to appreciate them (I even bought a Tim Vine DVD from the Woolworths sale). Unfortunately, I couldn't watch the full gig. I had to remove the disc after 10 minutes - the corny puns were so relentless it made me feel depressed.
I'm guessing Tim 'The Punmeister' Vine is one of your comedy heroes, Ariane?
* It is possible to beat this terrible pun addiction - be strong!
Found you today on Twitter and now here and think I've died and gone to heaven.
To echo some of the above, puns can become tedious. Yet not in your case when backed up by your wit, journalistic style and ability to use apostrophe's (sic) and spell "definately" (sic x2).
PS Not sure Uxbridge English Dictionary definitions are in fact puns per se, but love them all the same. Keep it up!
"Shambling" - fake jewellery.
Playing with the language is both fun and downright necessary.
@Klaas Jan: Really glad you like them. You ask, "What is 'funny' and why is it needed?" I think it's surprise and an emotional release - but when you start to study "funny" in depth, it always ceases to be! It's like when you see a flashing dot in the corner of your eye, but when you stare at the dot, it's no longer there.
@Graham: I think some would hope so.
@Duohedron: Great idea, but they might have to start listening to The Clash first.
@Brian: Those are excellent. I do like the idea of being a pundamentalist.
@MattKeefe: You're lovely.
@Nino: Thank you.
@AA: I'm very glad! Thanks.
@MJB: Not too much of a Vine fan, surprisingly. I prefer Gary Delaney and Milton Jones ("Some people are addicted to cats. Like the Pope - he's a cat-holic.")
@L: You're too kind. I'll endeavour never to disappoint. I love "shambling" (the pun, not walking down the street in a scruffy-casual way).
@Amos: Thank you. I shall tell people that next time they groan at one of my more dubious puns.
For someone who's been inundated with Ariane's puns over the last few days, I say long live!
(I desperately tried to think of a pun for this, but this is why you're a comedy writer and I'm an angry political blogger).
I am not the biggest pun fan myself, I often think they are poor attempts at humour. To me the funniest ones are often the blatantly obvious and therefore dumbest ones, as they show the absurdity of the whole mechanism. French comics writer Gotlib was great doing those.
Hi Ariane!
I do like to do puns, much to the derision of friends if I'm in a punning mood. Plays on words tend to be my greatest temptation.
For instance, if we're together playing a video game and someone misses they will often say 'oh come ON..!'. The temptation to sneak out a 'gotta catch em all..' is often too great. I'm sure my friends appreciate the high comedic talents at work there... :)
Regarding the alternative dictionary definitions, this is just like the 'Uxbridge English Dictionary' round on I'm sorry I Haven't a Clue. When poor Humph died, b3ta did an image challenge in memory of him, putting these sorts of definitions into picture form. You can see them here. (check image filenames for answers)
Is it wrong that I laughed out loud several times whilst reading your Guardian article?
I think the first pun was invented by a disgruntled father plotting ways to embarrass his unsuspecting children in front of their friends.
Mine is excellent at them (I've grown to appreciate them over time) and it's slowly infected me and my brother.
Still, it's a welcome progression from "Why are they taking so long with the food? Are they growing the [place relevant item here]?"
Sudoku: imitation of a pigeon's call.
Well, I see that the 'punto' has been driven to its proverbial home.
My personal favourite; "Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana"
@Sunny: But you're the best angry political blogger I know (though possibly not the angriest).
@Guillaume: You should hook up with @Tom and bond over this...
@fancyplants: Hi again! Those are utterly brilliant - thanks a lot. Better than anything I could come up with, to my chagrin. Enjoyed the Pokemon quip too.
@Nisha: Not wrong, but entirely right. I agree about fathers and disgruntled children (though I think "disgruntled" now means "person without swine flu").
@Gavin: Indeed!
@Muhamad: Maybe we should set the Punto free. In other words, we should Freida P(u)nto...
@Carl: Glorious! I read that while having a serious phone conversation and had to keep from laughing.
Wo, wo, wo, wo. Just slow the heck down there a darn minute little lady. So what you’re saying is: Richard Whitley didn’t… write his own material!?!
Yeah, right.
And like, Carol doesn’t do her own sums either?
Sure.
Telling fibs make the baby Jesus cry Ariane.
I love puns but I'm a terrible punster. The following is my best effort:
I knew a green grocer who froze his herbs before he sold them.
He gave people a hard thyme.
(Apologies.)
Second best effort was a work colleague who was describing how he found it relaxing to watch tropical fish in a tank. Good natured ribbing from others alluded to this being more embarrassing and sexual than intended. I contributed the line: You can't spell fetish without fish.
(Apologies again.)
Love your work Ariane. :-)
I was becoming a little tired of drugs, so I asked my dealer for an anagram of heroin instead. He gave me some He Noir.
@BrendonWilkins: He did his own script and ad libs and never claimed material he hadn't written as his own, if that's any consolation!
@James, @Marky: Those are fantastic - thanks. They made me laugh a lot, though I am also fearing for my job.
I can't remember which 'Carry On' film it was in, but a great pun went somthing like this.....
(Scene) Man and Woman on a pirate boat looking over railings into the sea.
Man: "Careful love - don't fall. There's man eating sharks in there."
Woman: "Oh crikey. If I fall in will they eat me whole."
Man: "No, I think they spit that bit out."
Brilliant. Just Brilliant. Ariane - have you ever seen Tim Vine's stand-up ? He is fabulous at puns.
May I ask what's fishy about your job? :( And is the fishiness rational? Really liked this last Guardian piece of yours.
I think, therefore I spam.
Geddit!!??!
My Father is abs*l*t*ly ins*lt*ngly f*ck*ng sh*t (that's not a pun, but it is true).
Enough already. You're blogging a dead horse.
Hey Ariane,
you should check out James Richardson's Football Weekly podcast in the Guardian's Football bit.
The Pundaddy, I tell ya.
Weird, weirder, weirdest..?
Oh, that reminds me - my favourite headline ever.
(For reference, "Caley" are Inverness Caledonian Thistle, a football team; the headline refers to their cup final win over Celtic.)
It is like the lawyers representing the Zankara brothers, an animal trainers act breaking up, who were contesting the ownership of their two panthers. The brothers, each being given one panther each, was so angered by this they threatened to set the pair loose on their own lawyers. But the judge put a stop to that, of course. It would have been a clear-cut case of double leopardy.
[Free da punto]-Ha ha ha ha ha....
OK. OK. We all concede that you're the 'pundita' of 'punditry'.
"I long for you to know the beauty I see in you" Kimberley Jones
I want to go on Countdown. :(
Damn UK gets a great game show while North America get's stuck with Chuck Woolery and Lingo... sigh.
What did one font say to the other font?
You're just not my type.
(Maybe try it with Arial and 'the Courier' or something.)
Hey, sweet Ariane, what's happened to my bilingual pun?
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