While I was pregnant, I wrote 60 pages of a novel - and it would be great if I could run the first chapter by you and get your views on it. It's only three pages long, so should only take you five minutes to read.
You can be completely honest (even anonymous, if that's easier). It would be brilliant if you could leave a comment below - and I've also set up a poll in the top right-hand corner of this page, if you're not the comment-leaving type.
Quick note: this was written when Bin Laden was still alive, hence the Bin Laden jokes. (If you can think of an alternative cave-dweller, do let me know.)
Looking forward to your thoughts. Here goes....
I'M NOT IN LOVE
CHAPTER 1
Dear Mr Whitton,
Thank you for your letter dated 25th March, in which you stated that our customer service technicians “displayed all the competence and skill of a particularly slow four-year-old”. We regret to inform you that your claim for compensation has been rejected, because you have a fat bum and smell of wee.
Yours sincerely,
Anna Higgins
Customer Services
Zifex Communications Ltd.
Sadly, I can’t send this to Mr Whitton, because I need to keep my job. Still, if I ever win the lottery and quit, I’ll post it along with all the other letters in the ‘spoof’ file. In the meantime, I’ll write Mr W a grovelling apology and credit his account, because that is what I do.
When I first arrived at Zifex, the internet service provider that sounds like a cold sore cream, I was under the illusion that I was going to be writing advertising copy and catchy straplines like the current one: “Have a great Zifexperience!” On my first day, they explained that I could start by writing customer communications and work my way up.
Three years later, it’s fair to say I’m not having a great Zifexperience.
I’ve never written a letter of complaint myself, though sometimes I’d like to. I’m not quite sure who I’d address it to, but it might go like this:
Dear Life,
I’d like to express my disappointment at you so far. Despite my best efforts, I am now 31 and stuck in a more depressing job than Osama Bin Laden’s beard cleaner. (Do you happen to know if that position’s available? I imagine the weather’s nicer, though perhaps there’s not much sunlight in the cave.) Worse, I’m trapped in a lacklustre relationship with a man who smells like banana, while being hopelessly in love with another man who is about to get married. Can you fix this for me please before I give up on you?
Yours,
Anna Higgins
PS You could have given me a more glamorous name, too. I’d settle for being Tia LaFontaine, or similar.
The trouble is, I already know what life would reply:
Dear Anna,
Thank you for your letter, in which you detail your trifling woes. May I remind you that, unlike many people, you are healthy, and, providing you don’t accidentally step in front of a truck tomorrow at 8.23am, you have over 50 years left to live? In addition, there are worse smells than banana, your boyfriend loves you, and how do you know you’d be happier with this other man? You barely know him; he might have a two-inch penis and talk during films.
Yours sincerely,
Life
PS I’m afraid the much-coveted role of Osama Bin Laden’s Beard Cleaner is indeed taken, and would in any case require relocation to the remotest mountain in Pakistan. I understand the mobile phone reception there is terrible.
PPS You can change your name by deed poll, although frankly, Tia LaFontaine doesn’t suit you.
And, of course, Life would be right. But somehow, that doesn’t make living it
any easier. At the moment, I feel as though I’m on autopilot, and that each day goes much like this:
6.30am: Wake from dream where I’m going out with Eric (yes, I know it’s a stupid name, but it never held Cantona back). Realise I’m not going out with Eric, and that the stupidness of his name doesn’t detract from his appeal. Sigh as my boyfriend James snores loudly in my face.
6.45am: Try to extricate myself from James and bedclothes without waking him. I get dressed and brush my teeth in the dark, which means the laundry basket is always full of clothes covered in toothpaste.
7am: Either eat muesli and wish I were eating Coco Pops, or eat Coco Pops and berate myself for not eating muesli.
7.15am – 8.55am: Leave the flat, usually with cereal in my hair and fluff on my coat. I’m always suspicious of the pristine-looking women around me. Do they spend their spare time having fully-clothed sex with a lint roller? Do they have steel feet which can withstand any amount of walking in stilettos? Are all their clothes brand new? Next to them, I’m hyper-conscious of my undyed mousy hair, flat shoes and make-up-free face. I feel like a moth walking next to a cloud of butterflies.
Walk-bus-train-bus-walk. That is my commute each way to Hockney Park, a “business complex close to Heathrow Airport, featuring transport links to central London” (I know, it makes my pulse race too). Each day, as I near the giant glass building, I remind myself “at least I have a job. Some people have to eat out of bins”.
8.55am: Enter the office and clock the pile of customer complaint letters sitting on my desk. Eating out of bins suddenly seems appealing.
9am – 5.30pm: I can’t really admit it to the customers, but there’s a reason we receive so many complaints: it’s because Zifex is rubbish, and that’s on a good day. Our servers go down more than [insert name of nymphomaniac celebrity], and we charge premium rate for tech support calls, which is why so many customers resort to emails and letters. Lately, our staff have been called “a bunch of fisting spaffmonkeys”, “a lamentable herd of illiterate, socially challenged buffoons” and “a load of workshy, snivelling misers whose sphincters have expanded to accommodate their heads”.
Most of the letters aren’t as well-written or accurately-punctuated as this, but unfortunately this doesn’t mean they aren’t true. I spend approximately half my time answering them; as my computer screen faces away from my boss, the other half is spent on spoof replies, Facebook, Twitter, and applying for jobs where I probably wouldn’t be able to spend half the time messing around.
5.30pm – 7.10pm: I am allowed to return home to the man who smells like banana.
Today, James hugs me straight after I walk through the door. His arms are strong and warm, and I think: maybe I wouldn’t be happier with anyone else. I have a man who loves me, and that’s more than most people have. So what if I don’t feel excited about our relationship? Maybe long-term relationships aren’t exciting.
“Liverpool won,” he breathes into my ear.
I tell myself my happiness should not be tempered by the fact that this is clearly a jubilant football-winning hug as well as a loving one. I am lucky, and I should be thankful. Even if I can smell rotting fruit.
42 comments:
It's a great first chapter; I'd definitely read on. I can already see the potential character development. I think many can also relate to her woes (the everyday, mundane, wishing-life-could-be-better-but-feel-guilty-for-complaining type).
I hope you keep blogging regularly as I do not have a Twitter account :-)
Lovely baby!
And liked your first chapter very much too - how many more have you got? Emails to "Life" and back made me laugh. Post the rest! (Hang on, then I won't buy it... )
LOVE IT!!! Brilliant. Very funny and had me burst out laughing many times and smiling many more.
Love the coversations through letters - really worked well.
Hope it will get published soon :-)
Can I get a signed copy?
1. Happy baby!
2. My goodness what ever is wrong with James? Seems like a pretty typical bloke other than the smell and we all have our funny smells. I bet Eric smells strange in the morning too.
3. Brilliant concept to have the hero (heroine? your choice) employed as a letter writer. She will, I hope, get in trouble at work for accidentally sending out a spoof letter when she should have sent out a suck-up letter. Should be quite funny.
Sorry... forgot to say "Congratulations!!!"
She's a cutie.
I'm expecting mine within a couple weeks.
Good luck with Baby and book.
This is great. Very funny, make me laugh out loud. Particularly liked the letters to/from life, and the spoof email. Loved it, nice strong opening. Write more!
Also, any man who perpetually smells of banana does not deserve a girlfriend. Christ.
Off to a great start, as we might expect of you. Outclassed K*thy L*tte already, even before rewrites. One point - if I can be a little cheeky - if you can avoid adverbs, then do so. Give the dog a reproachful frown, or have reproach seared on his eyeballs, or something along those lines. It seems the most natural thing on earth to use adverbs, but it can be interpreted as lazy writing. Can't wait to buy my copy :o)
I'm going to be pedantic.
If you get Home at 07:10 and Liverpool won, it's a Saturday or Sunday. If it's a weekday they wouldn't have won until about 10ish. Unless it was a European match in eastern Europe.
I do get out. But I will agree I should get out much more.
It doesn't sound like my sort of book, but I like the baby!
I think it's very immediate, and the way that Anna and her situation is introduced so quickly is clever. The ennui of her job is something many will relate to and the boyfriend smelling of banana is a strong and instantly recallable characteristic that puts the reader on Anna's side straight away.
Good work - I would definitely like to read on!
I'd buy the book because it's by one of the best comic writers around, and I know it would be reliably funny but...
In some ways the first chapter of a book is a pitch, telling the potential readers what kind of book lies ahead. I think your pitch comes out something like:
Anna Higgins is bored. Bored with her job and bored with her dull but loving boyfriend. She dreams of romance and fulfilment but can she break away from the routine? More to the point, does she really want to?
If that was on the back of the book, and it was by someone else, then, speaking as a representative of the banana-fragranced community, I wouldn't buy it. It's not a plot that would appeal to me. If - as I hope - your plot takes off in unexpected directions, you need to signal that in some way, perhaps formally, as in the way you've used imaginary letters.
Hope this makes sense.
I like it, although by now the OBL job is of course no more.
I agree with Brian that it's funny and well-written, as well as that I can't tell where the plot will come from. Anna is bored, and the most interesting thing about Anna (besides her wit) is the inexplicable fact that her boyfriend smells of bananas. (Why would he smell of bananas?) At the moment, my curiosity about James is stronger than my curiosity about Anna.
Yet, it is funny and readable, so I would page on a bit, to see if we get ourselves a plot that intrigues me.
Oh, this is good. This is very good. This is brilliant.
I love Anna's writing style. There was a continuous smile on my face while reading it. And I absolutely roared at: "Liverpool won", because, with my limited intelligence, I did not see that coming.
It's amazing how you're able to describe a situation, or a string of thoughts, in such an incredibly humorous way, while every thought, and every event stays perfectly within completely credible/believable parameters. (I hope you understand what I'm trying to say in this non-native language.)
To keep it short: I want that one!
I forgot to add that you might try to hint at something that will happen in the future, in the first chapter already. Personally I like albeit subtle, a bit of foreshadowing. Just a thought!
Loved it, although the Osama bit is somewhat passe now (pesky US marines). And aren't straplines something you get from sunbathing in a bikini?
Overall a great Zifexperience... :-)
Yes, Ariane, I'd definitely read on.
I hope Anna forgets all about that Eric bloke, and finds more to appreciate in the one who loves her. Remember: six inches in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or something like that.
I'm probably not the demographic that this is aimed at and to be fair its probably not the sort of book I'd go for but it has a fun start and the idea of communicating to the reader through letters has some nice possibilities. It tends towards the Bridget Jones (although that isn't necessarily a terrible thing) but seems a little "done before". The switching between letter form and diary / chronological form is a little jarring and perhaps one rather than the other would work a little more smoothly.
Absolutely loved "Either eat muesli and wish I were eating Coco Pops, or eat Coco Pops and berate myself for not eating muesli." delightful little bit of description that made me chuckle
Hey Congratulations for your baby and welcome back to the blogosphere! I will read the chapter tomorrow. You might be the only person who will make me read chick lit.
@Alessa: Thanks a lot - and for picking up on the "wishing-life-could-be-better-but-feel-guilty-for-complaining" idea. It's so long since I wrote any of the novel, I'd forgotten that was Anna's mindset. (Pregnancy hormones make you forget things!) Good luck with the birth of your baby - I'll be following your blog for updates.
@Anonymous: Glad you liked it! Can't really post much more as publishers don't like it if there's too much of the text out there already (but first chapters are okay, apparently).
@UKPizzaLover: Really pleased you thought the conversations-through-letters worked. You can certainly have a signed copy if it ever gets published. If not, I can always sign a slice of pizza.
@Transplanted Lawyer:
(1) Thank you! She is, when she isn't crying.
(2) We find out more of James's foibles later in the book. He has a nice line in terrible slogan t-shirts. And Eric doesn't smell in the mornings - he is perfect.
(3) That's the idea. (However, instead of sacking her, they like her creativity and finally give her the promotion she deserves.)
@digressica: Glad you liked it. I agree on the banana front - I based the character on an ex who always smelt like them. Eventually I couldn't take it any more!
@Bertie Moogle: Great point re. the adverbs. It is lazy writing and I should avoid it - will watch out for it in future.
@Anonymous: That's a good point, and not one many people would have picked up on. It sounds like you get out a lot (albeit to football matches). And you're right: the baby is infinitely better than the book.
@Graham: Glad you liked the intro. I may have to force you to read on.
@Brian: That's really good advice - thanks. The plot does indeed go somewhere unexpected. And I promise, if it ever gets published, that the back of the book won't read like that!
@Anonymous: Very glad. Yes, the OBL vacancy has definitely passed. Don't know what I'm going to fill that bit with yet.
@sanguinity: Thanks for your thoughts. I don't think we ever find out why James smells of bananas, but it's definitely expanded on in later chapters. (That isn't the main plot though, honest!)
@Klaas: You put it amazingly well - I find it hard to believe English isn't your native language. You're having us all on, aren't you?! Thanks for your encouragement.
@Andy: Glad you liked it. No idea what I'm going to replace Osama with...
@Keith: Many thanks. As with most romantic comedies, the plot hinges on Anna's inability to forget about Eric...
@Peter: Thanks for your honesty. The letters will continue through the book, though there won't be so many of them. To be frank, I wish this could be the new Bridget Jones! Have a feeling it won't be, though.
Wake from dream where I’m going out with Eric (yes, I know it’s a stupid name, but it never held Cantona back).
Whaddaya mean it’s a stupid name? It’s a perfectly respectable name I’ll have you know! :-)
Seriously, I enjoyed the first chapter and would definitely read more.
That is one great baby photo! Congrats. You just sold a book btw. I really want to know more about Anna & what happens to her. I like how you set up... letter writing because of job is so much better than cliche diary writing. I think the Osama joke doesn't work anymore though.. anyway, I like the pace, it's funny, & I think it is a potential heart warmer. good luck. Looking forward to the book.
I thought it was great, I just hope it gets a little more upbeat, I might feel like stringing myself up if it's like that through to conclusion.
Would I buy it, well based on what I've read so far... YES! It also seems as though it could easily transcribe to a screenplay, perhaps that was intentional, or force of habit, but it would make a great film, as long as it wasn't made in America and dumbed down with Americanisms (Oh bugger, I used an Americanism!).
Congratulations on being a mother, a beautiful baby, and being you!
This reminds me a bit of a novel I started writing a few years ago, when I was working for an Internet service provider.
Well, except mine didn't feature a man who smelt of bananas, wasn't based in/around London, and wasn't written from a female perspective.
And yours probably doesn't have any explosions or guns in it.
Other than that though, they're quite similar.
I might argue that "customer service technician" isn't a real job. They're normally "technical support representatives", or "customer service advisors" or something. "Technician" and "customer service" don't fit very well.
While I'd agree that the football match wouldn't have happened on a weekday, it'd be quite easy to just make this particular day a weekend. A lot of jobs in customer service involve working weekends.
Although probably not a Sunday, because you wouldn't get any letters.
Anyway, I'd probably read more. *votes*
Ok firstly and most importantly congratulations, she is such a cutie; I wish you both all the very best for the future.
Right the book. I really enjoyed it and as someone who has worked in customer service I can relate to both having to deal with the complaints and having to work with people who make a "particularly slow four-year-old" look like a good alternative. I genuinely laughed out loud a few times as I was reading through it, which seeing I am in a library right now wasn't the best thing for me to be doing. Very funny, well written and I like your character, she has a really strong voice and in just these few short pages you get a very good idea of her personality. I would definitely read more, though I do get the feeling that I am probably not your target audience.
Ok constructive criticism time. Much as I enjoyed it by the end of the first chapter I had no idea where things are going or what the book is about. As it stands it could be an amusing crime thriller, a sci-fi adventure, a spy novel or, as I suspect, a romantic comedy. Thankfully the writing style is good enough and the character likeable enough for me to be willing to stick with it and see where things go, however I know from personal experience that when publishers read books they rarely read past the first chapter and if they can’t get a feel for the book by then they move on.
Also I think that maybe the chapter could do with a hook at the end. You do a wonderful job of describing your characters life in a way that is highly relatable, funny and entertaining, however you end the chapter with no indication that this is going to change or that something worth reading about is going to happen to her. The scene at the end of the chapter wraps up nicely so that there is no real reason for someone to be all “ok, and then what happens?” I am sure that things kick into gear in the second chapter but it might be worth adding a hook to keep people reading at this early point. Heck something as simple as “and then the telephone rang and everything changed” would do wonders.
But like I said I really liked it. Best of luck with the rest of the book and I hope you share more of it as you go along. Oh and congratulations again on the little one.
I thought it was a great first chapter. The narrator is as smart and funny as the author. I would definitely read on.
As for Osama, you can always mention that even his beard cleaner has been given the opportunity for a new career.
The line about "rotting fruit" is great way to end the chapter and set up the rest of the story.
As a bloke/dude/guy myself, I must admit that I have some sympathy for James--despite his banana stench. I have to wonder, after all, if he is me! I hope that if/when Anna dumps him for the "perfect" man, he finds his soul mate. Perhaps she will smell like cream!
I hope you get published in the US too!
@Eric: Oops - apologies! Thanks for taking my faux pas in such good humour. Glad you liked the extract.
@NikJass: Thanks for your comment. Really pleased you like it. I hope it'll get published one day, but I have to write the rest first... Hope your own writing's going well.
@PeteKnight: That's very sweet of you. I'd love it to be a film (and to write the screenplay) but I'm just dreaming now... anyhow, it does get slightly more upbeat, so you won't have to string yourself up!
@BenPark: Looking forward to reading your version. Great point about 'technicians' - will change to 'advisors' - thanks. I think I'm just going to leave the football thing as is, because the audience for this book will be primarily female, and most of us don't have a clue when football matches are on (as I've displayed!)
@RabbitPirate: Thanks for such a thorough, detailed and kind analysis. Very glad you liked it. It is indeed a romantic comedy, and I'll try to make that clearer. Great idea about the hook - I'm guessing you're a writer yourself? Will definitely think about a possible cliffhanger...
@TheGuero: You're very kind. Good point about the beard cleaner! I doubt you smell of banana, as very few people do. But yes, James does find his soulmate, of sorts. Thanks for your comment.
Congratulations on having a baby! Wow. So many people around me are having them atm...
I loved the first chapter. I have hankered hopelessly for a Helen Fielding replacement for quite a while, and it looks like you might just fill that void. I'd buy it (albeit not in hardcover)!
What a beautiful synthesis of you and the other person. Congrats! Think of the crying as the child's self-expression and individuality.
Yes - likey the narrative going on and the asides.
And I would imagine that OBL's beard cleaner is now wearing a snorkle.
Please *do* continue as there is good humour and warmth contained in that writing and those are sadly missing from many aspects of our lives.
The £6.99 is yours :)
You're looking forward to reading my version? Oh dear. Do you mean I actually have to write it?
I think I wrote about 20 pages (quite a number of years ago), and still hadn't decided whether the killer was going to be a killer, or not.
Then I had a great idea of the possible-killer transporting a body around in a suitcase, all by public transport, because he couldn't drive. Sadly, as I was feeling pleased with myself for coming up with something original, I put the TV on and saw that someone had been caught doing just that in real life. They'd found a body in a suitcase, on a platform of a railway station.
Maybe I'd heard that on the radio somehow, earlier, and it had worked its way in? It's either that, or I can see into the future.
I've had another thought on the technicians/advisors thing. Sometimes, when people write complaint letters/emails, they're a bit angry, and so get their words muddled up.
So maybe technicians is fine, after all.
I would be useless as an editor.
What a lovely good reason you put into this world for taking time off from socialising with your fans! Congratulations! I´m very fond to know a good deal of your talent and looks is handed over to future generations. I´m sure you enjoy this wonder of developing life in your hands combined with selfless love inside you every day.
Congrats to your fan community as well. They all waited patiently for your blog, they gave good advice on details of the plot and warm encouragement as well. If I were a writer, I´d envy you for them.
And now for some completely different:
I do admit that I was a little bit disappointed at first glance. I´m so spoiled by your condensed texts, overloaded with all kinds of gags or associations that I expected something like that in your book as well. On second thought you had to pack so much into an Guardian article or 140 seconds to be more than just skin deep. In a book you need to have some head-space left to be able to speed up during the plot.
I like to talk about taboo zones and make puns about it myself. Still there is a tick too much of sphincter in these three pages, I guess. If this book is aimed at women I´d rather not start out with this end of the body. At least my experience as a man tells me not to mention those things on a first date. Among girls that might be different, you know better than I ever will.
If this book of yours is for females only, I´m jealous. What a life-damned sexual discrimination! I´d never ever expected that of YOU! I want a book for boys by you as well - and we can take all the rear end stuff you have to delete in the sissy edition ;-)
I´m not so familiar with cave-dwellers to name you one. Polyphem´s pedicure page is way too old fashioned. Still Osama´s out of style as well, especially since he didn´t really dwell in a remote cave with bad mobile phone reception.
But anyway I´ll buy your book as soon it comes out:
1. Because it´s by you - I´m biased, sorry.
2. Because I want to know how a girl could possibly get hooked on a banana smelling guy.
3. Because I want to read all of the spoof letters.
4. Because I´m sure the best is yet to come.
As always in life.
@KJB: Thank you so much! A comparison to Helen Fielding is high praise indeed. Hope all's very well with you and yours.
@Muhamad: Many thanks - funnily enough, she isn't crying in the photo, but half-laughing! (I think she looks like a tiny lion roaring.)
@djshadow19: Cheers - really appreciate your feedback (and the £6.99! Doubt books will cost that much by the time I've finished this one though...)
@Ben: They say there are only a finite number of original ideas. There's probably another book out there with an anti-hero who smells like banana. The best we can do is hope our ideas are sufficiently different and interesting. (Though it would be cool if you could see into the future.)
@NoGodZone: Thanks for your lovely message. Sadly, I once wrote a book aimed at blokes (when I was 24 - it was a comic novel about sitcom writers) and was told it would never sell, because men don't buy books written by women! (Women buy books by both men and women. Thankfully for female writers, 70% of book buyers are women.) So you are one of the exceptions to this rule.
PS A girl can't get hooked on a banana-smelling guy. That's basically the moral of the story.
Roaring is great. :)
Hey, I just read the post about losing post-preg weight. I can't say anything on that, but definitely like the name you've chosen for your bundle of joy. She's so endearing.
Around 20 years ado I had the pleasure of working for one of British Rail's complaints departments, so I have some insight into this scenario. As a rule, you would save your spoof letters for the most pompous of complainants, because you just wouldn't have the energy to do it often (shovelling bullshit is mentally draining).
Now I work in IT and i suspect if you work for an ISP (even a crap one) you wouldn't get access to Facebook or Twitter.
Pedantry over, thanks for sharing this work in progress. This opening reads like a light romantic comedy and as I never read romantic comedy, I have nothing to compare this to, but I'm sure this will find an audience.
Very cute baby.
This is quite funny. I am not into chick lit, I am actually in general dismissive about the genre in general, but I will most likely buy this one, if only to give it as a gift to my wife, who really enjoys chick lit.
Dear Anna,
I am writing to complain about the inaccurate image you are portraying about this great company. As you know we all work hard to offer our customers the very best Internet solutions and our 306kbs connection is almost always reliable. If you are in any way dissatisfied with your position please email me directly at osama@cave.com and I will arrange transfer to a more exciting role in communications, as our present sandwich board guy is going back to Uni.
Sincerely, Mr O. B. Laden, Zifex Communications
@Muhamad: Roaring is indeed great. Glad you like Lily's name!
@Anonymous: Thanks for your thoughts and honesty. Pleased you like the baby! I based Anna's job on my old job at Pipex Communications, and Facebook was definitely available (not sure Twitter was around at the time, as it was 2007). But they may well have changed the rules now.
@Guillaume: Thanks for saying you'll buy it - but ha! Chick lit? What makes it chick lit, other than that the protagonist is a woman talking about her life? I'd say it's a mainstream romantic comedy...
@Vince/Osama: Have you been reincarnated as the head of an ISP? Poor you.
From what I read your book qualifies at "chick lit" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick_lit).
That said can literature, even popular/mainstream one, have a gender? Not to plug my own blog (but I will), but I wondered about this question recently: http://vraiefiction.blogspot.com/2011/08/can-literature-have-gender.html
Brilliant baby yawn!
Congrats, Ariane...she's lovely. It's proper baby fever lately, my brother's just had one too (well, his wife did to be fair).
I bet you'll be the funniest mam ever (big fat smileeeey!).
Good luck with the book...I'll have a read later on when I've got me critic hat on.
ba,
da
Well shut my mouth.
I believe I told you earlier that "customer service technician" wasn't "a real job". Having just seen an advert for a job with just such a title, I feel I should retract my erroneous earlier statement and add my deepest apologies.
@Guillaume: Interesting blog. I would say no.
@Darren: Thanks a lot! And congrats to your brother.
@Ben: That's quite alright! Though I feel sorry for the person who gets the job.
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