Lily is almost five months old. I was looking back through the stuff I wrote while I was pregnant, and found the following...
A PIZZA MY MIND
I am now 20 weeks pregnant, and feel like holding up a sign saying “Welcome to Blimpville – population one and a bit”. I used to prod my boyfriend’s beer belly and joke about him being the pregnant one, but while I no longer put the “trim” in “trimester”, he no longer puts the “fat” in “fatherhood”. Perhaps unsettled by my jibes, he now plays football twice a week; I just look like I’ve shoved one up my top.
I don’t know any other pregnant women in real life, so might not be too alarmed by my fatness had I not seen the pregnant supermodel Miranda Kerr on the telly. She was ready to drop and looked impossibly svelte, as though she’d tucked the tiniest hot water bottle under her dress. Worse, while my face is riddled with pregnancy acne and looks like I’m holding a mouthful of Maltesers, hers embodies the glowing radiance of pregnancy advertorials. Frankly, I rather doubt that she’s pregnant at all.
Now, I know comparing oneself to celebrities is pointless. I console myself with the fact that Miranda probably can’t turn out whimsical 750-word columns in an hour (especially not columns about not looking like Miranda Kerr). She probably chews lettuce crossly, wishing it were pizza.
Though I’d swap my columns and junk food to be a fresh-faced slender sex symbol, no one’s going to cut me that kind of deal. I will remain a slightly rotund, 5’2” visibly pregnant non-supermodel – and the best I can hope for is that, after the birth, someone buys me the inevitable post-pregnancy Miranda Kerr Workout Video.
9 comments:
where to start? So many comments...
(1) You're so clever! (re: "A PIZZA MY MIND"; "The Trim in Trimester"; "Fat in Fatherhood")
(2) My husband and I used to compare our bellies throughout my pregnancy (he's got quite the gut as well). It started to become depressing once I surpassed him, though.
(3) I guess we all compare ourselves to celebrities; how can we not when their fabulous figures are flaunted in front of us constantly? Have you by any chance seen all the hype lately about Miranda Kerr's fabulous post-pregnancy body (Grrr!)
(4) re: "I console myself with the fact that Miranda probably can’t turn out whimsical 750-word columns in an hour." You're also funny and beautiful. I need something with which I can console myself, but I can't think of a thing =(
@Alessa:
(1) Thank you! Feels like I haven't written anything half-decent since 2010 though. I guess my brain has been engaged with other things.
(2) You had a good reason to surpass him. Frankly, our blokes have no excuse!
(3) Have seen the hype about tonnes of celebs, all of whom can afford personal trainers/chefs/nannies, and who have the incentive of being vilified in the press if they don't lose the weight immediately. Apparently Miranda Kerr lives on steamed veg, fruit and fish. Where are the carbs, Miranda?!
(4) You're so kind. I can think of two things: going by your profile photo, you're very pretty, and you write extremely entertaining blog posts.
PS I just massively fell off the wagon and ate two large slices of apple cake. I'll pay for that tomorrow...
I love your sense of humour: you finally put the bon mot in motherhood.
Like with all the super models I only know about your looks from photographs. And to me you always look at least as beautiful as any of those girls. Beauty in the sense of symmetrical, smooth-skinned and feminine shape. The photos and short videos also let me detect signs for a warm-hearted and bright-minded personality (in accordance with the things that have left your mind and now are in ours). Something rarely seen in hyped "role-models". So what´s the fuss with wanting to look like any of them? I can understand that you want to look again like before you became pregnant, because that´s the look you´re used to find in the mirror for years every day. You will, since you got a strong will, as been proofed by your toes on the scale.
And as you point out yourself, you wouldn´t want to trade places with any of the super star models, since they can´t make fun about themselves within 750 words without losing a femtogramme of self-esteem while gaining tons of admiration from your readers. Um, well maybe that´s not quite the right figurative comparison for your eyes right now...
Having had the absolute pleasure of meeting you once (Albeit at a bookstore book signing.) I would rather have you with all you exposed blemishes than any celeb with their masked blemishes. Not only do you have the looks, you have the brains to back them up, and as a footnote I would add that having reached middle age I feel I'm entitled to my spread, even if I positively loath it!
Please continue to be a real person, never sell your soul to Hello mazagine (Deliberate misspelling, that's how my daughter used to pronounce it.).
@NoGodZone: Love "bon mot in motherhood"! And that's very sweet of you. Good point about wanting to look the same way I've looked for years - I don't recognise myself in the mirror these days, so it'll be a relief to get back down to my old weight. Hope all's very well with you and yours.
@PeteKnight: It was a pleasure to meet you. That's very lovely of you too. I suspect I'll never get the chance to sell anything to Hello, but that may be a good thing.
Yeah, but can Miranda Kerr make an awesome banana cake? No. Ariane wins.
my little bundle of joy is now 7.5 but I remember her mum, post-pregnancy, running, doing yoga, and pilates. I was jealous because all I did was plain yoga.
@Graham: I think she may have people to make it for her.
@muhamad: Her mum sounds amazing. I'm too knackered to do much exercise. Bet she lost the weight in no time.
amazing workaholic. She lost weight and went to work while I gained it with a baby-sling, but I wouldn't change a thing for the joy of caring for my daughter.
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