The end is nigh! Not for mankind (hopefully), but for my infernal dratted diet. After nearly four months of oatcakes and houmous, I can't wait to start eating normally again (internal monologue: "That's the way you put it all back on, Ariane").
Anyhow: back on August 1st, I weighed ten stone, and set myself a target weight of eight stone, to be reached by October 25th. Shedding 20% of my body weight was harder than I'd anticipated, and the goal proved harder to meet than Barack Obama.
So I redoubled my efforts: fast forward four weeks, and I'm almost at my target weight. The weight loss has been so gradual, I haven't been able to see any kind of transformation in the mirror, but I opened the door to a friend who hadn't seen me since July, and she exclaimed, "Hello - and what have you done with the rest of you?!"
I'd like to claim that I've discovered some kind of marketable, saleable weight loss solution which will rake in the pounds, leaving me able to buy my dream house in Regent's Park. Alas, my newfound thinness is due to a combination of vanity, folly and eating a diet no one else would ever want to eat, so I can safely say that this isn't the case.
Nevertheless, I shall share my diet plan with you. If anyone actually tries it I will be amazed. You will lose weight on it - if I can, anyone can - but it's not much fun. I shall call it 'The Oatcake Diet'. Here goes:
THE OATCAKE DIET
10am: Two oatcakes. (You know, those dry cracker-like spheres made from oats and palm oil.)
11am: One date. (Nothing to do with romance, but a big dried fruit from the Middle East. I ate the variety called 'Medjool', because they're far bigger and nicer than standard dates.)
12 noon: Two more oatcakes. (A pattern emerges.)
1pm: A heaped tablespoon of houmous. (Made from chickpeas, looks like sick. Yum.)
2pm: Two more oatcakes. (If you try this diet, you will never want to see another oatcake again.)
3pm: One boiled egg (either hard-boiled or runny, it doesn't matter).
4pm: Can you guess? Yes, it's two more oatcakes!
5pm: One Medjool date. (Marks & Spencer sell them in fancy cupcake cases for an extortionate amount. I didn't buy them from Marks & Spencer.)
6pm: One small apple.
7pm: A proper meal! Well, a piece of steamed fish, lots of vegetables (carrots, broccoli, asparagus, mushrooms, etc) and a small amount of good carbs (either sweet potato, wholewheat pasta or bulgur wheat). I didn't eat anything after 7.30pm.
DRINKS
Only water (and herbal tea, but mostly water).
EXERCISE
If you have a small baby, strap it to your front in a carrier and walk around with it for at least an hour a day. If you don't have a small baby, you can use a heavy doll but you may get some funny looks.
And that's how I did it. Next Sunday, I shall put up some before and after pictures to prove that the feet on the photos of scales have indeed been mine, and that I wasn't strategically holding onto a nearby object while standing on them. See you then, and do let me know if you decide to try the Oatcake Diet. Anyone? No one?
7 comments:
Congratulations on your weight loss. You didn't falter once, which is very impressive. I think food is one of the hardest things to be disciplined about, so you have earned your freedom from oatcakes.
Your scales seem to have a very ethereal glow this week, as if in recognition of your achievement.
Basically I´m left here sitting with an open mouth. I just KNEW that there had to be a lot of cake in your diet - but that odd oatcake smashes all my fancy fantasies about your diet. My deep respect for staying with it for such a long time! Hope you can enjoy your renewed feather-like-ness just as much as the absence of oatcakes to come. And thank you for reminding me what diet really means...
Congrats! Well deserved, as you've worked hard at achieving your goal.
I've never seen oatcakes in our grocery store (not that I was ever searching), but we do have rice cakes; however, they taste like paper and aren't quite filling.
Can't wait to see the before and after photos. How very brave of you!
Congratulations, but this diet seems so draconian to me!
@Graham: Thanks a lot. As soon as I started it, I was worried I wouldn't be able to lose any weight at all, and considered backing out using the fib "my doctor has said I shouldn't be on a diet". I'm glad I didn't! Re. the ethereal glow, that's what happens when you take pictures in my bathroom at 6.30am.
@Peter: Many thanks. That was my basic diet, though I did deviate from it occasionally. It's funny though - once you know exactly what you're going to be eating, it makes life much simpler (if less pleasurable). Enjoy your cake!
@Alessa: Cheers for all your encouragement! I'd be surprised if your grocery store doesn't do oatcakes. Rice cakes aren't as effective - they're high-carb even though they're low-calorie, so you won't lose as much weight with them (and as you say, it's like eating papery air. Not that oatcakes are the tastiest things in the world...)
@Guillaume: It's actually a reasonable number of calories for my height and frame (over 1,200 per day). I definitely wouldn't recommend that number for a bloke though!
Yes, as my mother-in-law said, it's easier being a bloke.
Congratulation for pretty baby
Regards from Tehran city,Iran
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