What the hell have you been doing?
Watching Jeremy Kyle and Lorraine Kelly.
Ah, my two favourite people. But you write for the Guardian. Aren't you meant to be reading Plato and Sartre?
Of course, it's written in the contributor contract. But anyhow, this morning the elderly lady I look after wanted to watch ITV, so I held her hand and we watched couples fight and take lie detector tests.
You just watched telly? That doesn't sound like much of an effort.
Getting up at 7.30am to take a walk in the cold was a bit of an effort. The watching telly bit wasn't.
Did you enjoy it?
It was surprisingly entertaining. I think I've always been a bit sniffy about ITV. It's still not my favourite channel, but I learnt about fascinating videos an astronaut has made, among other things.
Was the astronaut taking a lie detector test in space? I'd pay to watch that.
No, he was being interviewed by Lorraine Kelly. He had an impressive moustache, which may or may not have been a hangover from Movember.
Ah yes, Movember. Did you write this ludicrous piece under a slightly different name?
You're not the first person to ask me that. But no. I might read the astronaut's book, once I've waded through all the Plato and Sartre.
In your own book, I say Jeremy Kyle is evil. I'm right, aren't I?
No. He's not my favourite person by a long stretch, and I don't like what he does, but he's playing a character. He's probably softly-spoken and mild-mannered in real life. Anyhow, I couldn't exactly have wrested the remote control off my older person.
You totally could have. Would you read Jeremy Kyle's book?
It's not top of my reading list, if I'm honest.
So are you going to just watch telly with your old lady?
Maybe when she feels better we'll go for a walk. But I'm okay with just providing company. It makes me feel warm and happy. And to be fair, Lorraine Kelly is probably more entertaining than I am.
To volunteer to help an older person with Age UK, click here.