Where the hell have you been?
Meing ihh. Atishoo!
Sorry: being ill.
What kind of "ill"?
Sore throat, vomiting, diarrho -
TMI! Jesus. Have you been doing nothing useful?
Er... well, I did go to the Crisis event briefing on Sunday, but then I ran out of it to puke in the toilet.
Sounds like a crisis event to me.
No, Crisis, the homelessness charity. I'm going to be playing guitar and singing at their centres over Christmas.
What are you going to be playing? It better not be "Baby, It's Cold Outside".
I've chosen the songs carefully. Mainly jazzed up Christmas carols and the odd Christmas song.
Christmas carols? You're an atheist! You hypocrite.
I'll still sing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" when there is no "you".
Of course there's a me. You're just confusing me now.
To donate to the Crisis at Christmas Appeal, visit www.crisis.org.uk.