Why the hell haven't you updated this blog for years?
Because I haven't had anything to say. And now I do.
Have you found the secret to life?
Yes, as it happens.
Oh no, you've found religion! I knew this would happen. Someone call the Daily Mail.
Leave the Daily Mail alone. They're too busy tracking down the five illegal asylum seekers in the country.
Is it Scientology? Do you want to be Tom Cruise's next wife?
Well, we do share a birthday. But no.
Is it Catholicism? Do you want to be the next Pope?
Pope Ariane has a nice ring to it, but as this piece shows, I like condoms a bit too much.
Are you a Hindu or Muslim or Sikh or Jain or Zoroastrian? You are brown, after all.
No, I haven't found religion. I've found giving.
Giving what? Flippant answers?
Giving any number of things, as my new campaign poster shows.
You look like you're going to the wedding of a Labour Party MP.
Thank you, Gok Wan.
So you've written a book, then?
Yes. You're in it.
Being your usual charming self.
How much is this book?
It's free, and you can download it here.
Is it rude?
Very. And it's also 1.35am, so goodnight.