Thursday, April 19, 2018

I'm tired of being a salad dodger

I am SO TIRED of being a biffer. A beached whale, a massive blob, a lump of lard, and - my favourite - a salad dodger.

It is miserable and saps your self-esteem. Most of all, though, it is BORING.

From morning to night, my thoughts can roughly be divided into four categories:

1. I wish I could eat X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)

2. I wish I hadn't eaten X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)

3. I wish I wasn't so fat and therefore could do X (go back on dating sites/wear nice clothes/go to parties and feel confident enough to talk to people, etc etc).

4. I wish the world wasn't so hideously horrible and judgemental about fat people.

Life is way too fascinating to waste every second just thinking about your fucking weight. Jesus.

If you think that's bad, wait until you hear my excuses for eating too much:

1. I'll just have this doughnut. I'm hungry and I won't eat again later [lies].

2. [after eating X] Well, that's gone and bust my calorie count for today. I might as well go and eat everything in the entire world now, and start my diet again tomorrow.

3. Yes but it's chocolate and it's not fair if everyone else gets to eat it and I don't.

4. I can't diet right now. There's a party this weekend and obviously I won't have any self-control when faced with a buffet, so I might as well eat what I want now too.

5. My weight is a superficiality filter.

6. I'm hungry, so perhaps I should eat the whole fridge.

7. It's a social event, it'll look churlish and will be bad form if I stand there and refuse all the canap├ęs.

8. Someone's made me something special and I have to eat it out of politeness.

9. I'm bored/sad/lonely/scared, I think I'll shove something in my mouth.

10. There's tempting food in the house - I'd better eat it all to save myself from breaking my diet tomorrow.

11. I'm having a chocolate craving. I'd better raid my daughter's Easter eggs or advent calendar, then have to trek down to the shops to buy it all again.

THIS HAS TO STOP! It is ruining my life.

Today I weigh 12 stone exactly. I am officially obese.

Today is the start of my new life.


  1. Well, I happen to like and admire you anyway.

    1. That's very kind. Thank you very much.

  2. The problem with overeating is that no matter what, you still need to eat.

    1. YES! Exactly. You can’t just cut it out cold turkey, as you could if you were addicted to alcohol or drugs.

  3. And I know my previous comment doesn't help at all. I don't want to discourage you. The only time I manage to lose weight dramatically, it was because I walked a lot when I was living in Liverpool. And I ate a lot of fish which I understand is not an option for you.

    1. Yeah, it’s so difficult. I’ll get there though, eventually.

    2. Or you could move to Liverpool. So you'll be getting there.

    3. Ha ha, seems a bit drastic!

  4. I went to a naturopath and did some blood work and they found markers of where I was low on supplements and certain vitamins that removed all my carb cravings. It was life changing.

    1. That’s interesting. I wish they could remove the fact that I eat mainly for emotional reasons!