I am SO TIRED of being a biffer. A beached whale, a massive blob, a lump of lard, and - my favourite - a salad dodger.
It is miserable and saps your self-esteem. Most of all, though, it is BORING.
From morning to night, my thoughts can roughly be divided into four categories:
1. I wish I could eat X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
2. I wish I hadn't eaten X (generally some form of confectionery or pastry)
3. I wish I wasn't so fat and therefore could do X (go back on dating sites/wear nice clothes/go to parties and feel confident enough to talk to people, etc etc).
4. I wish the world wasn't so hideously horrible and judgemental about fat people.
Life is way too fascinating to waste every second just thinking about your fucking weight. Jesus.
If you think that's bad, wait until you hear my excuses for eating too much:
1. I'll just have this doughnut. I'm hungry and I won't eat again later [lies].
2. [after eating X] Well, that's gone and bust my calorie count for today. I might as well go and eat everything in the entire world now, and start my diet again tomorrow.
3. Yes but it's chocolate and it's not fair if everyone else gets to eat it and I don't.
4. I can't diet right now. There's a party this weekend and obviously I won't have any self-control when faced with a buffet, so I might as well eat what I want now too.
5. My weight is a superficiality filter.
6. I'm hungry, so perhaps I should eat the whole fridge.
7. It's a social event, it'll look churlish and will be bad form if I stand there and refuse all the canapés.
8. Someone's made me something special and I have to eat it out of politeness.
9. I'm bored/sad/lonely/scared, I think I'll shove something in my mouth.
10. There's tempting food in the house - I'd better eat it all to save myself from breaking my diet tomorrow.
11. I'm having a chocolate craving. I'd better raid my daughter's Easter eggs or advent calendar, then have to trek down to the shops to buy it all again.
THIS HAS TO STOP! It is ruining my life.
Today I weigh 12 stone exactly. I am officially obese.
Today is the start of my new life.