Friday, April 27, 2018

My arse is so fat, I just broke the toilet seat



I’ve had three big weight-based wake-up calls in the past month. The first is this cold-flu bug I’ve been unable to shake for four weeks. Apparently obesity lowers your immune system. Who knew?

Next, my jeans split at the crotch. Being permanently on a diet, I’ve been reluctant to buy a new pair only to grow out of them quickly. The split isn’t visible unless you’re looking between my legs, AND WHY WOULD YOU BE DOING THAT, YOU PERVERT?! But still, it’s a sign that I’m heading towards a size 18 - and that’s a really bad thing when you’re 5’2”.

And lastly - most humiliatingly - I sat down on the toilet and heard an ominous ‘crunch’ noise. I looked down, and lo and behold, THE SEAT HAD CRACKED! I have literally turned into a ‘Yo mama’s so fat’ joke. Embarrassing isn’t the word.

Because I got sick when I tried to diet drastically, I’m going to start with 1,800 calories today, then progressively lower them until I’m at 900 - then swap between 900 one day (diet) and 1,500 the next (maintenance) to ensure my willpower and metabolism don’t drop too much. 

As my daughter has taught me: it doesn’t matter if you’ve failed in the past. All that matters is that you try, try again; and I am. Even if the toilet seat has been a casualty of my fat bottom.

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