Sunday, April 15, 2018

Things are getting better

Things aren't so bad right now. It helps to remember that there have been far more difficult times in my life than this - pretty much all of it, in fact.

Ages 3-17, living with my violent and abusive dad and my mum who pretended his behaviour was normal, and being bullied severely throughout school.

Ages 18-23, depressed and struggling to work out why I couldn't accept love.

Age 24, pregnant by an abusive boyfriend, whose violence led to me having an abortion.

Ages 25-26, suicidal, extremely anxious and claustrophobic as a result.

Ages 27-28, starting to succeed but each day marred by OCD.

Ages 29-33, having a major nervous breakdown while pregnant, then struggling with severe mental illness. On three pharmaceutical drugs for life.

Ages 34-35, finding it hard as an unemployed single mother.

Compared to those times, I'm in a really good way right now. I have a beautiful daughter, who is now at school so that makes life easier (in terms of not having to pay for childcare).

I have a fantastic writing job, fun colleagues, a great friend, some good not-so-close friends, and lots of people looking out for me online. I like where I live, though it is a bit dodgy and I feel like an old person when I moan about the amount of litter. (There is a lot of litter. Most of it seems to be cigarette butts, fried chicken boxes and the odd fly-tipped mattress, covered in stains.)

Yes, I've lost my husband, who was also my best friend, and that sucks. I don't make friends easily. I find it really tough to relate to people who have had easy lives, and I imagine they find it difficult to relate to me too.

But life goes on, and life is incredible, and I'm very lucky. I just have to remember that.


2 comments:

  1. Strange, I would have thought you attract friends easily. Maybe that is not the same thing as making friends.

    Having children of your own makes life easier. Except when it comes to sleep.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks sweetheart. Things aren’t always as they seem from the outside. But you’re right that having Lily makes things a million times easier. ❤️

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